List of 100 Funny, Philosophical, Life Quotes & One-Liners for Facebook, Twitter, Memes, Pinterest, Wall Signs, Office Desks, Bikes, Bumper Stickers and Car Windows, Etc.

Actually, there are more than 100; new ones keep being added. You don't have to read them all at once; maybe a couple sublists a day keeps the doctor away? Many of these random quotes are absolute truths; many of these quotes merely reference truths. Many of these quotes and one-liners are about life and philosophy; many are just for fun and insults. None are original, but some of them are. Some will change your life; others will just make you fall down laughing. Some are understood immediately; some could take days. Most are humor and other entertainment, but some are serious. This can kind of be a difficult, thought-provoking page actually. If a quote or one-liner isn't funny or an insult, then is it serious? Then there are the contextual issues, e.i., suitable for which scenarios listed in the title? It is up to you to decide which is what and how to enjoy.
Sigmund Freud


quotes sublist one

Time and Space. Can't live with it. Can't live without it.

Live in the now.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Black holes are where God divides by zero.

You are obviously a fine human being in your own right. And I mean that.

If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order.

So many stupid people. So few asteroids.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either.

You are a total waste of protein.

Excess is never too much in moderation.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Honk if you want to learn sign-language.

Bricks and Rainbows, otherwise known as Life.

What do the letters in FEAR stand for? False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.

My Dad was just like me.

Let’s debate your existence. You take the negative.

Never believe generalizations.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Admit it when you are wrong.

The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.

What holds attention determines action.

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Proof evolution CAN go in reverse.

I don't think, therefore I am not.

You’re a mess. But that’s ok.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Does anal retentive have a hyphen?

It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.


one-liners sublist two

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

People generally see what they look for and hear what they listen for.

Be someone who makes you happy.

Even my dog knows to reboot before calling tech support.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

It is not necessary to react to everything you notice.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

Driveway doesn't go all the way to the road…

In a battle of wits, I’m unarmed.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

Sometimes I am almost overwhelmed by my incredible perfection.

If you're happy and you know it, see a shrink.

Do not judge a person's story by the chapter you walked in on.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

One-celled organisms out score me in IQ tests.

What!?! Am I here?

I don’t have ulcers, but I’m a carrier.

No Way Out.

Lost in America.

Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.

Worry. God knows all about you.


quotes sublist three

I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.

Person of Interest.

I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.

Life’s favorite chew-toy.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.

The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.

A single thread of hope is still a powerful thing.

Lawyers have feelings too, allegedly.

People like you are the reason people like me need medication.

So many cats. So few recipes.

Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.

Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

On your mark, get set, go away!

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.

You don't need to have it all figured out to move forward.

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

Let the past make you better, not bitter.

Liberal Arts major: Will think for food.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Adjure obfuscation.

What we need is a patch for stupidity.

Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn't figured out yet.

Procrastinate now.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.


one-liners sublist four

The best proof there is Intelligent Life in outer space is the fact it hasn’t come here.

I’d stalk you, but it’s been a long day.

The Tribbles are coming!

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Just because I don't react, doesn't mean I didn't notice.

You have delusions of adequacy.

I love you more today than tomorrow.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

A person who feels appreciated will always do more than what is expected.

If at first you don’t succeed, the hell with it.

People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.

Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.

Churches only worship the prophet margin.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We are all lab rats.

Perspective.

Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Sometimes not.

If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.

My feminine side is lesbian.

Just say NO to negativity.

I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.

The winner of the rat race is still a rat.

When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Never get into a fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose.

I never thought I'd miss Nixon.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

I love animals. They're delicious.

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.

A wise man once said nothing.


quotes sublist five

Too tall for my blood supply.

I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.

Armadillos: Texas speed bumps.

If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

You've survived 100% of everything in your life so far, so there is a pretty good chance you will survive whatever is next.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If you are going to be "weird", be confident about it.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

I bring joy whenever I leave the room.

It's never too late for an apology.

A couple di-lithium crystals short of a warp core.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

Happiness is not trying or finding, it's deciding.

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.

It's up to you.

Why not?

We repeat what we don't repair.

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove money can't make me happy.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone else to blame.

Don't dumb it down.

Entropy happens.


one-liners sublist six

In dog years, I'm dead!

Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!

Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!

You can ignore reality, but reality won't ignore you.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm an old person. Cut me some slack.

Exist on your own terms. That is all.

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I’m tall, but I’m worth the climb.

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Life would be easier if I had the source code.

Hang up and drive.

Polar bears club baby seals.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.


quotes sublist seven

Do they ever shut up on your planet?

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Sometimes a perceived problem turns out to be a gift instead.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

You - Off my planet.

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Sarcasm is just one more service I provide.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Embarrassed about something? They'll get over it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.

Most of what you worry about will never happen.

Suck it up every now and then.

Persistence.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Earth is full. Go home.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.

Never argue with reality.

404

42


The fatal flaw of logic is it presupposes awareness of all relevant premises.



Forgive yourself for your mistakes.


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