Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

How to Use Your Cat as a Bowling Ball

Latest update: January 9, 2020

Bowling for Cats
Side note: the larger the cat, the better your odds.

First, you’ve got to get the bowling pins. Proceed to your favorite toy store. You are looking for the indoor, soft, lightweight, kid-safe type. The kind your cat won’t mind spinning into and having them fall on him; foam, cotton, etc. comes to mind.

If you don’t already have one, also pick up a laser pointer. You’re going to need that.

OK, Time for the Setup…

Set up your bowling pins in the kitchen or other smooth-floor room, where you don’t care that the floor is about to pick up a whole bunch of new scratch marks. Cement floors are not an option; the cat won’t slide that well, and it definitely wouldn’t be good for their claws. Be sure there is lots of space behind the bowling pins, or place pillows or whatever behind the pins; in other words, you want sufficient space or something soft for the cat to end up in.

Warm-up Time…

Place the cat at the other end of your brand new bowling alley. Shine the laser pointer on the floor directly in front of the cat, so that the cat is facing the pins.

Move it around a little bit until the cat starts trying to paw or go after it.

Action Time…

Accelerate the pointer directly towards the pins. Do it just fast enough to keep ahead of the cat. But keep going faster to increase the cat speed to the maximum possible.

When near the pins, quickly swerve the pointer left or right. This should induce the cat to make a similar left or right compensating turn…

Your objective is for the cat to do an epic fail. In other words, the cat won’t be able to successfully make the turn. When done right, the cat will flatten out and spin into the bowling pins.

Did You Get a Strike?

Probably not. This is obviously going to take some practice…

Give the cat one small food treat tidbit after each bowling attempt. It won’t take long before the cat puts two and two together; at which point, you will have a bowling partner for life. And what with all the exercise, you'll have the healthiest cat in town.

Side note one. If your cat is the 1-in-a-100 cat that doesn’t chase laser pointers, try catnip or get another cat.

Side note two. Cats do indeed have memories and the ability to learn. Failure to provide the tidbit bribe will eventually lead to the cat ignoring the laser pointer.

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Things That Will Never Happen - Funny and Serious

Latest update: January 13, 2020

Otherwise Known as a List of Things That Will Happen When Hell Freezes Over

Things that will happen when hell freezes over aka things that will never happen.

Though it wasn't planned that way, some of the items here turned out to be serious. In fact, parts of these lists are quite brutal. However, there is also humor scattered here and there.

Yes, friends. This page is dedicated to listing all things that will happen when hell freezes over, otherwise known as things that will never happen. Got a really good one? Add it in the comments section below! We'll add them to the list. You can include religion, politics, business, life, and pretty much anything else that comes to mind. An open forum. Have fun. Many items here are from contributors from a previous project. Contradictory views are expressed.

Things That Will Never Happen - List One

  • Peace on earth goodwill toward men.
  • The national debt will be paid off.
  • Politicians become honest.
  • People will make educated decisions when voting.
  • CEO's become honest.
  • The medical industry becomes honest.
  • The banking industry becomes honest.
  • The credit card companies become honest.
  • The insurance industry becomes honest.
  • The auto repair industry becomes honest.
  • Printer ink cartridges will no longer have a 200% markup.
  • Adobe software stops paper saturation draining of printer cartridges.
  • American corporations become loyal to America.

Things That Will Never Happen - List Two

  • Robocalls will go away.
  • Telephone solicitors will go away.
  • Spammers will go away.
  • Junk mail will go away.
  • You will never again hear on TV, "But wait! There's more!"
  • You will never again hear on TV, "But wait! If you order now...!"
  • Daytime TV shows will get some class.
  • The preachers on TV will stop asking for money.
  • When the children of celebrities stop writing humiliating tell-all books about their parents.
  • Jehovah Witnesses leave people alone.
  • Dogs stop licking their private parts.
  • Cats will actually give a F about what their owners want.

Things That Will Never Happen - List Three

  • Someone will live a full life without ever once having something stolen from them.
  • Someone will live a full life without ever once being falsely accused of something.
  • Dry cleaners apologize and reimburse you when they ruin your clothes.
  • Supermarkets put the best deals on the middle shelves.
  • Pay day loan services stop robbing people blind.
  • Cable companies stop robbing people blind.

Things That Will Never Happen - List Four

  • There is meritocracy in the corporate world.
  • The Supreme Court, Congress, and the President become aware of the 10th amendment.
  • Cities, counties, and states become aware of the 4th, 5th, 8th, and 9th amendments.
  • You have civil rights even when you don't have money.
  • Bureaucracy ceases to exist.
  • Incompetence ceases to exist.
  • Hidden  agendas cease to exist.
  • Murphy takes a holiday.

Things That Will Never Happen - List Five

  • Flies and chihuahuas stop being obnoxious.
  • Cockroaches, fleas, bedbugs, mosquitoes, and supermarket front door panhandlers stop wanting to be your friend.
  • Lawyers incorporate ethics into their strategies.
  • The news media becomes unbiased.
  • Spam disappears.
  • Forum trolls disappear.
  • Weeds respect your property line.
  • Gophers respect your property line.

Things That Will Never Happen - List Six

  • When the food supplies of the planet are evenly distributed.
  • When people's status and worth are not determined by how much money they make or have.
  • Life becomes fair.
  • Fear and worry stop being such a major part of life.

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How the World Ends - Humor / Truth - List

Latest update: January 14, 2020

How / When / What Are the Ways
The Human Race Will Become Extinct

Here's the top 10 armageddon doomsday list of the most likely scenarios and events. Actually, there are more than ten; lucky us. The Doomsday Clock is currently set at 2 minutes to midnight and no doubt ticking. I seem to remember a long time ago it was at 15.

The Doomsday Armageddon List

Likely, unlikely, and overlooked ways and scenarios on how the world will end. "We are all doomed! Doomed I say!" Yes we are. It is not a matter of if. It is only a matter of when. Let us count the ways... Warning, some humor may be present.

Some ways for how the world will end.
The clock is ticking...

List of Doomsday / Armageddon Events and Scenarios for the World's End


Andromeda is indeed set for a galactic collision with the Milky Way. That's going to be a real mess. Fortunately, we can put a pin in that. Not scheduled for another three billion years or so.


They are wandering all over the place out there. They have hit us before and they will hit us again. In fact, we just recently had another near-miss.


Seems like those keep dropping by all the time. Sooner or later, one of them is going to decide to stay. They are not our friends.


As for the really big ones, they might as well be asteroids. Come to think of it, at what size does a meteor become an asteroid? Inquiring minds want to know.

Anti-Matter and/or Dark-Matter

This stuff is scattered everywhere. It does not get along well with regular matter. Sooner or later our solar system is going to wander into it. Or it is going to wander into us. One way or another, it is going to eventually happen.

The Sun

Those pesky solar storms, solar flares, solar winds, EMP's... Historians say it won't be the first time. Actually, we were seriously clobbered once before back in1859. The EMP was strong enough to short out telegraph wires, batteries, and do all sorts of other mischief. Imagine if that same intensity EMP were to drop by today. Not a case of if, only a matter of when.

The Sun

Novas. This is another one that isn't scheduled for a few billion years. Then again, who knows?

The Earth

Climate change is apparently already in progress. The oceans are rising as we speak. The polar ice caps are melting and icebergs the size of states are breaking off as you read this. New temperature heat records are being set around the world. It is said there is still time to turn this around, but only if our species gets busy about it.

The Earth

Super volcanoes have happened before and they will happen again. Aside from the immediate damage, welcome to the beginning of the next ice age. Would a properly timed super volcano offset the aforementioned climate change? A couple of strategically placed nuclear devices could probably make that happen. Inquiring minds want to know.

The Earth

Volcano or not, the next regularly scheduled ice age is already overdue.

The Earth

The magnetic pole reversal could happen any day now. How all our electronic circuitry (which is attached to all sorts of interesting things...) will react is anybody's guess.

Societal Complexity

Our society continually becomes more complex every year. Societies in the past have been known to simply collapse under their own weight of this complexity, bureaucracy, and incompetence . It's happened before and will happen again.

Genetics Research

Sooner or later, someone, somewhere, is going to mess up. Either the wrong stuff gets accidentally released into the environment. Or something "safe" is deliberately allowed; at which point it gets its own bright idea to mutate. Then there is bio-terrorism.


If He ever decides to just give up on us...


Evolution hasn't stopped. And the next species is usually more advanced than the previous one. And it's a pretty good bet the first order of business for the new species will be to get rid of the old species.


And then there are those pesky new viruses and bacteria that keep coming along...


Whether by accident or design, sooner or later advanced artificial intelligence (AI) will happen. And if it has an attitude...


Most folks agree there are other lifeforms in the universe. It stands to reason some of them are as un-nice as we are.


CERN’s Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has not gone away. For those who have forgotten previous years media news, the LHC is the world’s largest particle accelerator. It is still busily creating fermions, Higgs bosons, dark-matter, antimatter, quarks, leptons, strangelets, supersymmetry, vacuum bubbles, black holes, and who knows what else might come up next. Sooner or later, one of these critters might not get along very well with the physical laws of this universe.

Lab Rats

It is a well-known theory we are all just lab rats. Sooner or later the experimenter is going to clean out the cage.

Programmed Extinction

There is research indicating all species' genomes/DNA automatically lose their ability to replicate/reproduce over time. Sort of a naturally occurring kill-switch when nothing else comes along to do the job. This fits in nicely with the previous scenario. As a safety kill-switch, we are genetically programmed to die as individuals. And as a safety kill-switch, we are also genetically programmed to eventually lose the ability to reproduce as a species. As lab rats in an experiment, this kill-switch was incorporated in case the experiment somehow got out of hand. It is the same as what we attempt to do ourselves with virus and bacteria experiments.

The Bomb

Nuclear war is always still on the table. The United States, United Kingdom, France, Russia, China, India, Pakistan, Israel, etc. just can't seem to get along with certain others. Brinkmanship seems to be the national sport with certain politicians and nations. Some days are worse than others.

The Bomb

When it falls into the wrong hands...

Have a nice day.

And so as to end on a serious note, here is indeed a very seriously researched and well-thought-out article from the BBC about the collapse of civilizations.

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Entropy: Meaning, Concept, Examples in Everyday Life...

...and Why Do Things Go Wrong?

Latest update: January 6, 2020
If you are looking for how entropy is an integral part of our lives, then you have found it. An alternate title for this page would be: The Reality of Entropy  - The Top 10 Ways Entropy Messes with Us.

Among other things, this page has two lists. There is a short description list of examples as to ways entropy affects our daily lives. And then there is a long description list of examples explaining exactly how entropy does this.

For some readers, this page will be humorous. For other readers, this page will be serious. Both perceptions are correct. And it should be noted there are more than 10 ways scattered around this page. Lucky us.

List of Examples of the Effects of Entropy in Our Daily Lives

  • Why do things break down? That's entropy.
  • Why is Murphy's Law so prevalent? That's entropy.
  • Why do things malfunction? That's entropy.
  • Why are we obstructed in everything we try to do? That's entropy.
  • Why are there a hundred times more mistakes than accomplishments? That's entropy.
  • Why are there a hundred times more failures than successes? That's entropy.

The Universe - Entropy Is the Built in Randomness of Reality

What does entropy mean to humanity? Whenever a human or humankind in general tries to create order, entropy immediately begins to disassemble it. This is why any man-made object will immediately begin to deteriorate upon its completion. It does not matter if it's a newly manufactured stick of gum or a newly constructed, 100-story skyscraper; the result is always the same. Entropy immediately begins doing everything in its power to render it useless, broken-down, and of no value.

Chaos and Entropy

"Most of the fundamental ideas of science are essentially simple, and may, as a rule, be expressed in a language comprehensible to everyone." - Albert Einstein in The Evolution of Physics

Why Things Break – List of Examples of How Entropy Works and Some of Its Methodologies

How Entropy Uses Oxidation

One of entropy's favorite methods. With any physical item humankind creates, whether made of most metals or other materials, entropy will immediately start to change the object's chemical structure. In due course the object's chemical composition becomes such that the object's original purpose is no longer viable; plain, ordinary rust being the most well-known example. Another common example are liquids. Pretty much any liquid, whether relating to food or industrial manufacturing, begins to decompose and becomes useless fairly quickly when not immediately used for its intended purpose.

How Entropy Uses Gravity

Another favorite tool of entropy. Quite simply, entropy will keep pulling on each and every object until the object comes crashing down, no matter how long it takes. Entropy never quits. And the larger the object, the more forceful the gravity and the more determined entropy becomes. Breakage and injuries, whether animate or inanimate, are the norm.

How Entropy Uses Friction

Another tool of entropy. The more often used term for "friction" is "wear-and-tear". Every time an object is used, it is subjected to wear-and-tear. Sooner or later, the wear-and-tear renders the object no longer usable. Cars and other vehicles being the most well-known examples. However, entropy's industriousness is also equally busy with all other manufactured machinery as well. There does happen to be one scenario where friction is a good thing, but this website is not going to go there.

How Entropy Uses Contamination

One of entropy's often used tools. This is where entropy uses one class of objects to destroy another class of objects. Probably the top categories of objects entropy uses to destroy other objects and entities are bacteria, viruses, and even plain, ordinary dust. In fact, when entropy isn't using oxidation to destroy all man made foods or industrially made liquids, contamination is what entropy then brings into play.

How Entropy Uses Heat

Otherwise known as an increase in temperature. For every degree increase in temperature, entropy accelerates decomposition, deterioration, destruction of the target object. Heat is entropy's favorite method for rendering any and all manufactured machinery and electronics useless. A decrease of temperature to .01 degrees Kelvin is minimum entropy. An increase of temperature to x millions/billions degrees is maximum entropy.

How Entropy Uses the Synergy and Combinations of Destructive Methods

Combining methods from the above list are also an entropic standard procedure. Entropy really likes using combinations of methods where possible, reason being the acceleration of the destruction; usually exponentially. The best example is where friction generates heat, which causes expansion, which causes more friction, which causes more heat, ad infinitum; the inevitable and sometimes quick result being the destruction of the victim object. Any manufactured item with moving parts is where this most often comes into play.

How Entropy Uses Cross-Purposes

Another often overlooked tool of entropy. Aside from the inherent cross-purposes designed into what we perceive as nature; we tend to forget that humans are also part of the same construct. So much so that humans are at cross-purposes more often than they are at equilibrium. The more disagreement, the more entropy. Taken to extreme, there is much more entropy during war than peace.

Randomness and Probability

Randomness – Entropy's Favorite Tool of All

Randomness can otherwise be defined as thermodynamics and/or quantum physics. The only difference between the two being the size of the objects entropy uses as its tools. In the case of thermodynamics, entropy uses atoms and molecules as its implementer. In the case of quantum physics, entropy uses subatomic particles. In both cases, whether they be molecules, atoms, or subatomic particles; the little critters immediately start randomly wandering around and going places where we don't want them to go.

Probability – Entropy Uses This Tool When It Just Wants to Have Fun

Two cars arriving at an intersection at the same time is an example of this. And then there are the asteroids, very large meteors, etc.... They can and do intersect Earth's orbit every now and again. And, of course, sooner or later Earth is just going to happen to be there. Probability is really just an attempt to understand the aforementioned category of randomness; with the additional factor of randomness using the much larger objects along with the smaller ones.

Entropy Is the Opposite of Order

Entropy is change, invariably for the worse. Entropy is constant. The proverb, "Change is constant", is true. Entropy is the antithesis and enemy of order. Energy and matter are in constant flux. Entropy's favorite concepts, quite simply, are: decomposition, destruction, deterioration, and chaos.

How does one compensate for and accept entropy? Keeping the following premises in mind will help.
  •  Entropy is not our friend.
  • Entropy can be slowed, but never stopped.
  • Entropy can be postponed, but never defeated.
  • Nothing lasts forever.
  • The universe doesn't care.

Entropy takes it all, whether you want it to or not, entropy takes it all. Entropy bears it away, and in the end, there is only darkness.*
*A paraphrased quote from Stephen King.

Have a nice day.

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When Is Stuffed Groundhog Day? - Sunday, February 2, 2020

Latest update: January 3, 2020
Warning. Demented humor may be present, not to mention stereotyping. Also, the Super Bowl happens to be on the same day in year 2020.  So if you are planning to go, might as well bring him along.

"Where's those stupid clouds when you need 'em!?!"

What to Do with Recalcitrant Groundhogs

Unhappy with what the groundhog had to say about the next six weeks? Well then, have him stuffed.

What with Valentines Day less than two weeks later, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Simply take him to the taxidermist, plenty of time to get the job done.

If the intended recipient is a man, he will love it.

If the intended recipient is a woman, then there may be a little more work that needs to be done.
  1. First, be sure all the fleas are really gone.
  2. Glue a little sign on him that says "Teddy Bear".
  3. Glue a little, red heart underneath.
You are done (hopefully not in more ways than one). Your results may vary.

Phil is exempt from all this. Why? Because I like him. Get your own groundhog.

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About MILF Relationship Tips

Latest update: January 20, 2020

A How to on MILF Dating Etiquette and a Few Tips

MILF Dating Tips and Etiquette 

First and foremost, one must be sure the MILF is not still married. Still married MILFs can result in extreme husband irritation as to your poaching. You are going to have enough problems as to the kid(s), you don't need an angry husband on top of that.

As to the kid(s), 20% to 50% of the time, you will be stood up. This percentage will vary depending on the number and ages of the kids the MILF is dealing with.

If one has successfully navigated beyond the above two issues, then the list of following rules apply.

  • Respect that you are interacting with another human being.
  • Be understanding when kid problems supersede dates.
  • Never bring up the kids. This will inevitably result in a MILF soliloquy about kids. Even worse, statements about the Ex will ensue.
  • Do not attempt to be the MILFs kids' substitute dad. The kids will immediately hate you. Let the relationship develop naturally over time. Let the kids and the MILF set the pace.
  • MILFs know how to cook, avail yourself of this at every opportunity.
  • Have you become thoroughly tangled up with the MILF over time? Well then, might as well go ahead and do the drop off and pick up the kid(s) and other errands.
  • Are you now doing her home repairs? Looks like you are doomed, time to marry her.

Lists of Somewhat Humorous Reminders as to Things One Should Not Do or Say on MILF First Dates

List of Things One Should Not Do

  • Chew gum (or anything else).
  • Wipe your nose with your shirt sleeve.
  • Brag about the people skills you learned while serving time for assault and battery.
  • Mention the time you were caught under your boss's desk.

List of Things One Should Not Say

  • You gotta cigarette?
  • You got some Alka-Seltzer? This hangover is killing me.
  • I haven't stalked anybody in months.
  • ...lawsuit...
  • Still waiting for my STD test results.
  • What are your favorite positions?
  • I love you.
  • ...restraining order...
  • ...ankle bracelet...
  • My wife wanted me to ask if you like threesomes.

To End on a Serious Note...

You are interacting with an adult who has had considerable experiences in life, some of which have been extremely good and some of which have been extremely bad. As the quote at the bottom of every page on this website says, "One of the most important lessons a person can learn in life is other people are as real behind their eyes as you are behind yours." — Author unknown

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Pregnant Cat Humor

Latest update: January 20, 2020

Alternate title: How to Make or Get Your Cat Pregnant
Alternate title: How to Impregnate Your Cat

Impregnating Your Cat

Cat Impregnation Instructions

  1. First, examine the cat to ascertain its gender. If wrong gender, get another cat. Repeat this process until you have obtained the correct gender cat.
  2. Second, wait until evening. Toss cat out door or window. Only utilize the window option when residing in a single or first floor residence. Now this is especially important; do not do the cat tossing until after rush hour traffic has subsided. Cats and traffic don’t mix.
  3. Repeat the above procedure daily until you see the cat wandering back in the morning smoking a cigarette. If this still has not occurred after 10 tosses, then it is time to examine the cat again.
  4. This time take the cat to the vet. If the vet informs you the cat has been spayed or is otherwise hampered as to fertility issues, you will have to start all over again.
  5. If the vet says the cat is fine, then obviously all the male cats in your neighborhood are a bunch of slackers.
  6. You will have to buy a male cat. Do so.
  7. Place both cats in a sealed room and close the door. If there is yowling, open the door and remove the male cat. The yowling you heard was the female cat rejecting the male cat. The male cat you selected is not up to your female cat’s standards. Return to store and select different male cat. This time try to find one that’s got some class.
  8. Repeat the above process until silence reigns supreme behind the closed door.
Your work is done here.

For more nonsense and sometimes other strange humor, there is the Flash Fiction Online Stories page.

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What Is a Zark / Zerk / Zirk / Zork / Zurk - The Short Definitions and Uses Compendium

Latest update: January 11, 2020

I decided to research the land of zurk, zork, zirk, zerk, and zark. Someone had to do it. Interestingly, different spellcheckers each have their own different subsets of pet peeves concerning these words. Though this page is somewhat humorous, it is also 100% factual.

Zark Definition and Usage

Looks like zark came into being, courtesy of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It apparently can also be used as a swear word. Merely use it in place of the F-bomb word.

Zerk Definition and Usage

A zerk is a grease fitting. Somehow I don’t think this particular definition will come up too often in conversations.

Zerk is also another word for crazy; as in, “He went zerk when Zurk said no.”

Zerk can also be used to refer to acceleration and deceleration; examples being, we zerk when the light turns green and we zerk when we come to a stop sign.

Zerk can also be used as a verb, as in zerking from the scene.

Zirk Definition and Usage

The act of conning or taking advantage of someone. One can zirk someone; and one can be zirked by someone. Example, “I know he zirked me on that deal.”

Zork Definition and Usage

A well-known computer game.

Zurk Definition and usage

Zurk is still awaiting admittance to the English language. The word as yet remains undefined. Zurk, as with some of the others, is also a surname. When someone with the Zurk surname does something notable, we will then have our zurk definition.

Zarkness, Zerkness, Zirkness, Zorkness, Zurkness are all popular user names.

As for zarkdom, zerkdom, zirkdom, zorkdom, and zurkdom; excepting for usage in some fictional stories, these words are likewise still awaiting usage and definitions in the English language. I figure it is only a matter of time.

And this concludes the what is, uses for, and definitions of zork / zerk / zark / zirk / zurk.

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What is Twitter Good For?

Latest update: January 12, 2020

A Short Review of Twitter

Basically, a Twitter account is worthless for business, unless you pay.

I had an account at one time. Unfortunately, the good old days of Twitter generating traffic to articles you've written or to your website are long gone. Unless you pay Twitter $99/month, your tweets will be poorly ranked in feeds, hashtag threads, etc. That $99/month or more might be worth it to large companies, politicians, and so forth; but it is definitely not worth it to the rest of us. And that, unfortunately, is that.

Meanwhile, for your amusement...

Top 10 List of Reasons Why You Should Follow Me on Twitter

  1. You will get to see my spiffy avatar every time you drop by my page.
  2. You will also get to see my beautiful background picture.
  3. You get to discover the link to my awesome website.
  4. I will dazzle you daily with my brilliant, personal thoughts.
  5. I only share stuff from other websites that are truly interesting.
  6. I sometimes come up with amazing photos.
  7. I only retweet stuff that is as good as or better than my own.
  8. You will never get a Direct Message from me.
  9. You will never be inundated with hashtags.
  10. I’ll follow you back (unless you are demented).
What is my Twitter address, you ask? If I ever reopen an account, I’ll get back to you on that.

A side note. There is certainly nothing wrong with opening a free account for social, entertainment, and general messing around. And nothing against Twitter; Facebook does the same thing (different pricing structure). Both are corporations just trying to make money.

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Is a Hedgehog a Good Pet - Domestication and Legal Status

Latest update: January 17, 2020

Legal Issues of Buying and Owning a Pet Hedgehog

  • Have You Hugged Your Pet Hedgehog Today?
  • Hedgehogs, the Latest Pet Craze.
  • Pros and Cons and Problems.
Warning: along with the facts, demented humor may be present.

Is a hedgehog pet about to become your new best friend?

Yep, there are media reports that hedgehogs are becoming America’s new favorite pets. Sure enough, if one does a regular, non-news, website search; hedgehogs as pets show up all over page one of the search results.

Choosing a hedgehog as a pet may not be an easy path. To start with, federal and many state bureaucracies become extremely agitated when it comes to hedgehogs. In some states, it is outright illegal to have a hedgehog as a pet. So, if you decide to engage in this life of crime; do not be surprised if you become a hedgehog fugitive. As an example, here is California's take on the matter. Depending on your state, your results may vary.

When obtaining a hedgehog as a pet, it is best to buy from an experienced breeder. Turns out the little critters need to be domesticated. Reputable breeders will do that for you before selling them. Prices could range up to $200 for your young, healthy, fully domesticated hedgehog.

And another note about the crime aspect. It turns out that hedgehogs also happen to be a culinary item. So, if the wrong people start to become suspicious of your hedgehog-ness, you can always eat the evidence.

Btw, most cities require one to pay a yearly fee for a pet license; and that's for any pet: cats, dogs, rabbits, hedgehogs, you name it. Now if you go down to City Haul to pay the legally mandatory pet fee for your hedgehog, it will probably really hit the fan. Frankly, I'm deferring on becoming a hedgehog criminal; life is complicated enough as it is.

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How to Use Old Rotary Dial Phone

Latest update: January 20, 2020
The instructions are accurate, but beware the double entendre humor that may be present.

Old Rotary Dial Telephones
How to Dial and Use an old Rotary Phone

The rotary dial part of the telephone is the translucent, plastic circle part with the 10 holes in it. Next to each hole is the corresponding letters and numbers assigned to it.

As with push button telephones, each digit is dialed in sequence.

To dial each digit of the phone number:
  1. Pick up the horizontal, top part of the telephone. This part of the telephone is called the handset or receiver (though it is actually the sender as well).
  2. Place the flat part of the round part of the handset farthest from the cord next to your ear.
  3. Wait for dial tone.
  4. Starting with the phone number's first digit, place finger in appropriate hole.
  5. Rotate hole clockwise until finger is touching the metal hook.
  6. Release hole. The hole will automatically relocate back to its former position. Do not attempt to manually force hole back to its original position. Let it happen naturally.
  7. Repeat steps 4 through 6 for each succeeding digit.
  8. After the last digit, listen for the usual ringing sound.
  9. If someone answers, speak into the flat part of the round part of the handset closest to the cord.
  10. When conversation is completed, place handset back into the cradle as shown in the above picture.
There are no mute buttons.

There are no ringer on/off switches.

In fact, excepting for the two, little plastic buttons in the handset cradle that are the connect and disconnect buttons, there are no other buttons or switches whatsoever.

And that is how one uses and dials the old rotary telephone. May all your rotary experiences be good ones.

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