Showing posts with label Pets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pets. Show all posts

How to Use Your Cat as a Bowling Ball

Bowling for Cats

First, you’ve got to get the bowling pins. Proceed to your favorite toy store. You are looking for the indoor, soft, lightweight, kid-safe type. The kind your cat won’t mind spinning into and having them fall on him; foam, cotton, etc. comes to mind.

If you don’t already have one, also pick up a laser pointer. You’re going to need that.

OK, Time for the Setup…

Set up your bowling pins in the kitchen or other smooth-floor room, where you don’t care that the floor is about to pick up a whole bunch of new scratch marks. Cement floors are not an option; the cat won’t slide that well, and it definitely wouldn’t be good for their claws. Be sure there is lots of space behind the bowling pins, or place pillows or whatever behind the pins; in other words, you want sufficient space or something soft for the cat to end up in.

Warm-up Time…

Place the cat at the other end of your brand new bowling alley. Shine the laser pointer on the floor directly in front of the cat, so that the cat is facing the pins.

Move it around a little bit until the cat starts trying to paw or go after it.

Action Time…

Accelerate the pointer directly towards the pins. Do it just fast enough to keep ahead of the cat. But keep going faster to increase the cat speed to the maximum possible.

When near the pins, quickly swerve the pointer left or right. This should induce the cat to make a similar left or right compensating turn…

Your objective is for the cat to do an epic fail. In other words, the cat won’t be able to successfully make the turn. When done right, the cat will flatten out and spin into the bowling pins.

Did You Get a Strike?

Probably not. This is obviously going to take some practice…

Give the cat one small food treat tidbit after each bowling attempt. It won’t take long before the cat puts two and two together; at which point, you will have a bowling partner for life. And what with all the exercise, you'll have the healthiest cat in town.

Side Note One: If your cat is the 1 in a 100 cats that doesn’t chase laser pointers, try catnip or get another cat.

Side Note Two: Cats do indeed have memories and the ability to learn. Failure to provide the tidbit bribe will eventually lead to the cat ignoring the laser pointer.

How a Cat Retreats from a Fight

A True Story

Outdoor Cat Retreats from Fighting Outside

At my desk I was; I heard a screeching howl. I looked out the window.

Two cats.

The first and younger cat, ears flat, hair and tail straight up. And howls, hisses, and other noises he did continue to make. He was directly facing the other cat. The other, older cat was two to three feet away, facing sideways to the younger cat and was completely, utterly, totally motionless. And very, very silent.

This went on for about a minute or two.

And then, ever so slowly, the older, motionless, silent cat moved a paw . A mere twitch at best. A long pause. And then the older cat moved another paw, again barely a twitch. Another long pause.

The younger cat remained still and watching. The older cat then very slowly took an actual step forward, away from the younger cat. The younger cat still remained motionless. Another long pause. The older cat then took another step. Another pause. And then another step. And then another, slowly and gradually moving away from the younger cat. This drama continued for a good five minutes. Until finally the retreating, older cat disappeared around the corner of the house a short distance away; the first cat remaining motionless and observing the entire time.

And that is how an older cat retreats from a fight with a younger cat. Nature is not pretty.

When Is Stuffed Groundhog Day? - Saturday, February 2, 2019.

Warning. Demented humor may be present, not to mention stereotyping.

"Where's those stupid clouds when you need 'em!?!"

What to Do with Recalcitrant Groundhogs


Unhappy with what the groundhog had to say about the next six weeks? Well then, have him stuffed.

What with Valentines Day less than two weeks later, the timing couldn’t be more perfect.

Simply take him to the taxidermist, plenty of time to get the job done.

If the intended recipient is a man, he will love it.

If the intended recipient is a woman, then there may be a little more work that needs to be done.
  1. First, be sure all the fleas are really gone.
  2. Glue a little sign on him that says "Teddy Bear".
  3. Glue a little, red heart underneath.
You are done (hopefully not in more ways than one). Your results may vary.

Phil is exempt from all this. Why? Because I like him. Get your own groundhog.

Pregnant Cat Humor

Alternate title: How to Make or Get Your Cat Pregnant
Alternate title: How to Impregnate Your Cat

Impregnating Your Cat

Cat Impregnation Instructions

  1. First, examine the cat to ascertain its gender. If wrong gender, get another cat. Repeat this process until you have obtained the correct gender cat.
  2. Second, wait until evening. Toss cat out door or window. Only utilize the window option when residing in a single or first floor residence. Now this is especially important; do not do the cat tossing until after rush hour traffic has subsided. Cats and traffic don’t mix.
  3. Repeat the above procedure daily until you see the cat wandering back in the morning smoking a cigarette. If this still has not occurred after 10 tosses, then it is time to examine the cat again.
  4. This time take the cat to the vet. If the vet informs you the cat has been spayed or is otherwise hampered as to fertility issues, you will have to start all over again.
  5. If the vet says the cat is fine, then obviously all the male cats in your neighborhood are a bunch of slackers.
  6. You will have to buy a male cat. Do so.
  7. Place both cats in a sealed room and close the door. If there is yowling, open the door and remove the male cat. The yowling you heard was the female cat rejecting the male cat. The male cat you selected is not up to your female cat’s standards. Return to store and select different male cat. This time try to find one that’s got some class.
  8. Repeat the above process until silence reigns supreme behind the closed door.

Your work is done here.

For more nonsense and sometimes strange humor, there is the Flash Fiction Online Stories page.

Hedgehogs as Pets

Legal Issues of Buying and Owning a Pet Hedgehog

  • Have You Hugged Your Pet Hedgehog Today?
  • Hedgehogs, the Latest Pet Craze.
  • Pros and Cons.
Warning, demented humor present.

Is a hedgehog about to become your new best friend?

Yep, there are media reports that hedgehogs are becoming America’s new favorite pets. Sure enough, if one does a regular, non-news, website search; hedgehogs as pets show up all over page one of the search results.

Choosing a hedgehog as a pet may not be an easy path. To start with, federal and many state bureaucracies become extremely agitated when it comes to hedgehogs. In some states, it is outright illegal to have a hedgehog as a pet. So, if you decide to engage in this life of crime; do not be surprised if you become a hedgehog fugitive. As an example, here is California's take on the matter. Depending on your state, your results may vary.

When obtaining a hedgehog as a pet, it is best to buy from an experienced breeder. Turns out the little critters need to be domesticated. Reputable breeders will do that for you before selling them. Prices could range up to $200 for your young, healthy, fully domesticated hedgehog.

And another note about the crime aspect. It turns out that hedgehogs also happen to be a culinary item. So, if the wrong people start to become suspicious of your hedgehogness, you can always eat the evidence.

Btw, most cities require one to pay a fee for a pet license; and that's for any pet: cats, dogs, rabbits, you name it. Now if you go down to City Haul to pay the legally mandatory pet fee for your hedgehog, it will probably really hit the fan. Frankly, I'm deferring on becoming a hedgehog criminal; life is complicated enough as it is.