Best Quotes Inspirational, About Life, Philosophy, Humor, Insults, Self-Help

Latest update: May 8, 2020
Lists of over 100 quotes, one-liners, sayings; funny, philosophical, life, insults, inspirational, more. For both knowledge and entertainment; also useful for Facebook, Twitter, memes, Pinterest, wall signs, office desks, bikes, bumper stickers, car windows, etc.

Actually, there are more than 100; new ones keep being added. You don't have to read them all at once; maybe a couple sub lists a day keeps the doctor away? Many of these random quotes are absolute truths; many of these quotes merely reference truths. Many of these quotes and one-liners are about life and philosophy; many are just for fun, insults, and entertainment. Some are original; some are well-known. Some will change your life; others will just make you fall down laughing. Some are understood immediately; some could take days. Many are indeed just humor and other entertainment, but some are serious. This can kind of be a thought-provoking page actually. If a quote or one-liner isn't funny, then is it serious? It is up to you to decide which is what and how to enjoy. If so inclined; bumper stickers, signs, etc. are easy and inexpensive to have made. If there isn't a local place near you, they are easy to find online.

Sigmund Freud


Quotes List One: Reality, Humor, Insults, Life, Philosophy, etc.

  • Time and Space. Can't live with it. Can't live without it.
  • Live in the now.
  • Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
  • Socrates asked too many questions.
  • Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  • Black holes are where God divides by zero.
  • You are obviously a fine human being in your own right. And I mean that.
  • I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • If you observe this vehicle being operated in an unsafe manner, please try to think of it as one more anomaly in the cosmic order.
  • So many stupid people. So few asteroids.
  • I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life either.
  • You are a total waste of protein.
  • Excess is never too much in moderation.
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you learn to worship me.
  • Honk if you want to learn sign-language.
  • Bricks and Rainbows, otherwise known as Life.
  • What do the letters in FEAR stand for? False. Evidence. Appearing. Real.
  • My Dad was just like me.
  • Let’s debate your existence. You take the negative.
  • Never believe generalizations.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • Admit it when you are wrong.
  • The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
  • What holds attention determines action.
  • The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
  • Proof evolution CAN go in reverse.
  • I don't think, therefore I am not.
  • You’re a mess. But that’s ok.
  • Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
  • Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
  • It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you do not stop.
  • Existence is a gift.
  • Existence is hell.
  • Hope, but never expect.
  • Be careful when following The Masses. Sometimes the "M" is silent.
  • There is a time to just not care.

Quotes List Two: Humor, Inspirational, Life, Philosophy, Tech, Laments, etc.

  • With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
  • I have the body of a god. Buddha.
  • Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
  • I doubt, therefore I might be.
  • There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
  • People generally see what they look for and hear what they listen for.
  • Action expresses priorities.
  • Be someone who makes you happy.
  • Even my dog knows to reboot before calling tech support.
  • Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.
  • It is not necessary to react to everything you notice.
  • Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  • Thank God I'm an atheist.
  • Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
  • Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.
  • Driveway doesn't go all the way to the road…
  • In a battle of wits, I’m unarmed.
  • If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
  • Sometimes I am almost overwhelmed by my incredible perfection.
  • If you're happy and you know it, see a shrink.
  • Do not judge a person's story by the chapter you walked in on.
  • Be good to people for no reason.
  • Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
  • One-celled organisms out score me in IQ tests.
  • What!?! Am I here?
  • I don’t have ulcers, but I’m a carrier.
  • No Way Out.
  • Lost in America.
  • Complaining about a problem without proposing a solution is called whining.
  • Worry. God knows all about you.

Quotes List Three: Reality, Inspirational, Humor, Philosophy, Life, Insults, etc.

  • I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun.
  • Be happy, it drives people crazy.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • This bumper sticker intentionally left blank.
  • Person of Interest.
  • I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.
  • The way nature is constructed, no living entity has any rights; just like non-living entities.
  • Life’s favorite chew-toy.
  • Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.
  • The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
  • Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
  • A single thread of hope is still a powerful thing.
  • Lawyers have feelings too, allegedly.
  • People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
  • So many cats. So few recipes.
  • Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • Eat right. Exercise. Die anyway.
  • Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • On your mark, get set, go away!
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  • I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
  • You don't need to have it all figured out to move forward.
  • To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
  • Let the past make you better, not bitter.
  • If you hate a person, then you are defeated by them.
  • Liberal Arts major: Will think for food.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • Adjure obfuscation.
  • What we need is a patch for stupidity.
  • Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn't figured out yet.
  • Procrastinate now.
  • A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
  • Wherever you go, there you are.
  • Luck favors the prepared.
  • All that has passed and so shall this.

Quotes List Four: Inspirational, Universe, Life, People, Humor, Philosophy, etc.

  • The best proof there is Intelligent Life in outer space is the fact it hasn’t come here.
  • I’d stalk you, but it’s been a long day.
  • The Tribbles are coming!
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • Just because I don't react, doesn't mean I didn't notice.
  • You have delusions of adequacy.
  • I love you more today than tomorrow.
  • An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  • I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  • A person who feels appreciated will always do more than what is expected.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, the hell with it.
  • People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do.
  • Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.
  • Churches only worship the prophet margin.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We are all lab rats.
  • Perspective.
  • Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
  • Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. Sometimes not.
  • If you don’t like the way I drive, then stay off the sidewalk.
  • My feminine side is lesbian.
  • Just say NO to negativity.
  • I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure.
  • The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
  • When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
  • Never get into a fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose.
  • I never thought I'd miss Nixon.
  • If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  • I love animals. They're delicious.
  • The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.
  • A wise man once said nothing.
  • Dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
  • It's hard to beat a person who never gives up.
  • In order for opportunity to knock, one must provide a door.
  • The future and the past rob you of the present.

Quotes List Five: Humor, Life, People, Philosophy, Politics, Reality, Humor, etc.

  • Too tall for my blood supply.
  • I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.
  • It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  • Squirrels: Nature's speed bumps.
  • Armadillos: Texas speed bumps.
  • If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
  • Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  • You've survived 100% of everything in your life so far, so there is a pretty good chance you will survive whatever is next.
  • Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  • If you are going to be "weird", be confident about it.
  • God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
  • I don't have a license to kill, but I do have a learner's permit.
  • Keep honking while I reload.
  • I bring joy whenever I leave the room.
  • It's never too late for an apology.
  • A couple di-lithium crystals short of a warp core.
  • Why does Hawaii have an interstate highway?
  • Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either.
  • Earth First! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
  • My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
  • Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
  • Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
  • If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
  • Happiness is not trying or finding, it's deciding.
  • Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
  • It's up to you.
  • Why not?
  • We repeat what we don't repair.
  • Driver carries no cash. He's married.
  • All I ask is the chance to prove money can't make me happy.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone else to blame.
  • Don't dumb it down.
  • Entropy happens.
  • The past, the present, the future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Quotes List Six: Life, People, Politics, Reality Humor, etc.

  • It’s never going to be perfect, so just get it done.
  • Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
  • Opportunities come and go, problems accumulate.
  • Vote Democrat - it's easier than working!
  • Vote Republican - it's easier than thinking!
  • You can ignore reality, but reality won't ignore you.
  • Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  • Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
  • First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
  • Old age comes at a bad time.
  • I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
  • In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
  • Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  • I'm an old person. Cut me some slack.
  • Exist on your own terms. That is all.
  • Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  • I’m tall, but I’m worth the climb.
  • I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  • Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
  • Life would be easier if I had the source code.
  • Hang up and drive.
  • Polar bears club baby seals.
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  • I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they are flashing behind you.

Quotes List Seven: Insults, Humor, Life, Reality, Numbers, etc.

  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • The trouble with life is there's no background music.
  • Sometimes a perceived problem turns out to be a gift instead.
  • Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
  • Don't measure my intelligence on your ability to understand me.
  • You - Off my planet.
  • I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  • If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  • Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
  • I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service I provide.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Embarrassed about something? They'll get over it.
  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
  • Most of what you worry about will never happen.
  • Suck it up every now and then.
  • Persistence.
  • I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  • I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  • You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
  • Getting on your feet means getting off your butt.
  • Some things are more important than money. And they all cost money.
  • Never argue with reality.
  • 404
  • 42


The fatal flaw of logic is it presupposes awareness of all relevant premises.



Forgive yourself for your mistakes.

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