All on one page. You don't have to read them all at once, pace yourself.
|And always remember... If you see it on the internet, then it must be true.|
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Halfway through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money, he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, ol' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says, "How do I get ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."
So his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money runs out again. The boy calls home.
"So how's ol' Blue doing son?” his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," the boy says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they are now starting to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?” says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.
So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited, "Where's ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning just before we left to drive home, ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does." Then ol' Blue turned to me and asked, "so, is your daddy still messing around with the little redhead who lives down the street?"
The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son-of-a-bitch before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
Subject: 9 months later.
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.', said Keith.
'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did."
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
A man was sitting besidea huge well and chanting, "12, 12, 12, 12...." A curious passerby came to him and asked, "What are you counting?"
The man pushed the passerby into the well and went on chanting, "13, 13, 13, 13..."
DUI - TEXAS STYLE
Only a person in Texas could think of this.
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Austin, Texas. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.'
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Ok, now what?"
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar in London, England by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the barkeep, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given you are blind, to tell you you're in a girls biker bar and you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously 'Mister', do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a minute, sighs, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, it's a good joke, but not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Q. Where do you find a one-legged dog?
A. Where you left him.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
The American doctor parked his brand new Lexus right in front of the hospital, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, an ambulance came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus, his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the doctor started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the doctor finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you doctors are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the doctor.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the ambulance hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the doctor... "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
I am sad to report that the man who invented the Hokey-Pokey has died. It was a serious and solemn affair, until it came time to place him in the coffin. They put his right leg in...
It all went downhill from there.
Subject: British Humor
The train was quite crowded, and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under the yapping dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the yapping dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, it appears you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A group of 40-year-olds discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the waiters and waitresses were good looking and had buff bodies.
10 years later, at age 50, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the food was really good and there was a great selection of wines.
10 years later, at age 60, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they could eat in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
10 years later, at age 70, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and even had an elevator.
10 years later, at age 80, the group once again discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant, because they had never been there before.
As she lay there dozing next to me, a voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients." But another voice kept saying, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night and go to sleep. A few hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says, "Someone stole our tent!"
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors: Damian, Darren, and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple years, doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so improper that she decided to kill herself. It was tragic, but Damian and Darren managed to get through it. After a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre.
An old prospector walks his tired, old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a single drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you're a'gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound, froze, and everything got real quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Hey, young fool, did you ever kiss a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir, but I've always wanted to."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Walmart!
That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure. He hurried to Walmart before it closed, eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer lights up, and ten seconds later prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Walmart!
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and crying like his passengers.
Subject: Getting Old Is No Problem in Texas
An 80-year-old Texas farmer goes to the clinic in Dallas for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
"I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm In such good shape. I'm up well before daylight in the field plowing and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well."
"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"
"Who said my father's dead?"
The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old Texas boy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning. Then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beers. That's why he's still alive. He's a Texas farmer. And he's a hunter and fisherman, too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive?"
"He's 118 years old," says the man.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"
"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, "Getting married! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"
Okay folks, this is how it works...
Not exactly GAAP (Generally Accepted Accounting Principles).
It's a slow day in a little east Texas town. The sun is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everyone is in debt and living on credit.
On this particular day, a rich tourist from back east is driving through town. He stops at the hotel and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the feed store.
The guy at the feed store takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.
The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.
The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveler will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 bill, states the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is conducting business today.
Subject: Only a farm kid
An old farmer drove to a neighbor's and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.
The farmer asked, "Is your dad home?"
The boy replied, "No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
The farmer said, "Well, is your mother here?"
The boy said, "No sir, she went to town with dad."
The farmer said, "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
The boy said, "No sir, he won't be back until tomorrow."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
The boy said, "Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or I can give someone a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment, "You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
If a man states an opinion and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong?
A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.
She knocked on the door and then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing!?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband comes home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
He never heard the gunshot.
Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. And every year Ken would say,"Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know, Ken. But that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Ken, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks. And fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again.
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Ken replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, son, but I have some bad news; the donkey died."
Chuck replied, 'Well, that's ok, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Sorry, can't do that. I spent it already."
Chuck said, "'OK, then just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer ran into Chuck. "What happened with the dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00."
The farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Chuck now works on Wall Street.
An Atheist in the Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods...
"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear was right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you really expect me to help you out of this predicament?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord bless this food for which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."